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Hiya lezzers!

I got marshmallows and gluten-free graham crackers, so…

WHO WANTS TO NOTICE A SCARY STORY??

MWAH





HA HAHAHAHA!

Get pal. Every person got the friend? Good. Hold on tight fast towards buddy’s hand.

‘Cause this is a true story.

Ahem.

A Long Time Ago, whenever I ended up being very newly homosexual I Did Not have any idea I Found Myself recently gay…

An meet older lesbians from the now-defunct queer club known as


Za’s


in Green Bay, Wisconsin

(I became totally just here to boogie)


gave me some advice:

1)


Never ever start a mutual bank checking account with your enthusiast



2)


Do not fake orgasms



3)


Make sure a lady’s fingernails are thoroughly clean.

The a good idea lesbian was at the woman later part of the 40’s, a generation up until now from the my personal 19-years-old-with-a-fake-ID self that i possibly couldn’t actually think about exactly what it needs to be like to be so ancient.

Just how sad, I Was Thinking. Right here this woman is at a bar and she actually is old. I am hoping I don’t wind up depressed like the lady.

Isn’t really it enjoyable as the middle of your very own world?

What somewhat crap I happened to be.

For reasons uknown, however, I walked away from

Za’s


that night duplicating her three guidelines to myself personally.

When I woke up, I was thinking of these.

It absolutely was a lot like in The gold seat, whenever Polly and Eustace Scrubb are charged by Aslan to consider The indicators.


Never behave like that you do not re-read your own Narnia boxed-set one or more times per year.

Anyhow! in recent times, i remembered the three existence instructions the lesbian had instructed me. The woman advice produced feeling.

I never ever opened a mutual bank checking account with any individual.

I never ever faked orgasms once more after the first few instances i did so it, realizing I became, actually, dooming my self to a continuous pattern of shitty intercourse by gratifying poor performance using my whines of «ecstasy.»

And that I constantly secretly inspected a girl’s fingernails before we slept with her.

Brief? Check.

No scratchy borders? Check Always.

Thoroughly clean? Its search time.

But exactly why, sluts?


What is the big deal about fingernails?


What is while using the short-nailed lesbian laughs? Just What?

I am talking about, alright, I have it. It’s more challenging to fuck with lengthy nails. You could maybe puncture a lung or something like that.

But it is not impossible. I had lengthy nails before for burlesque shows; screwin’ with ‘em isn’t all of that difficult — you only ensure that you make use of the pads of your fingers.

So just why was actually that lesbian very emphatic about thoroughly clean fingernails?

All of you, she was actually



SO. EMPHATIC.

I made a decision to complete some debunking.

Without doubt absolutely nothing could truly occur should you decide got shagged by somebody with dirty fingernails.

After which we recalled a story thus awful I’d nearly overlooked it.

Homos.

Poor crap can happen.

This terror tale comes to us thanks to my personal good-looking buddy »


Cai



,» that observed more snatch in heat than a kitty center on complimentary Spay time.

Ok.

Cai


was a student in Miami when she met an extremely hot femme we’re going to phone


Katie.

Katie


smelled like sugar cookies cooking, used a leopard-print bikini, had massive gold hoops that shimmered within the light, in addition to held among the many best asses


Cai


had ever before seen.

She covertly texted myself a photo of

Katie

on swimming pool so she could boast, and I texted right back,


«i’d strike that till my hand fell down.»

Therefore, yes,


Katie.

Cai


took


Katie


home that night. There have been some severe sipping.

While getting undressed


Katie


during the half-light,


Cai


saw some thing she hadn’t actually noticed before:



Katie had cool nails.

Actually,




Katie




had a long, rhinestone-tipped French manicure. Juuuust like Rihanna.

Cai


cannot stop the mental image of these nails clawing down her back while she fucked


Katie


, very animalistic sex commenced.

Cai


even leave

Katie


screw the girl, the actual fact that she ordinarily never ever lets anybody do this. Just what hell, she figured. Heading home tomorrow. Never ever see this girl again. I could get topped for every night.

Let’s fast-forward a few weeks, shall we?

One thing was actually completely wrong with


Cai’s


«area.»

Really, severely wrong. It itched. It burned.

Some, um, greenish-yellowish things had been oozing from this. As soon as I say some i am talking about too much. amounts. of. pus.

Cai


refused to go to the lady-doctor.

Because becoming supportive is what friendship is focused on, when she informed me, we mentioned,


«and that means you ultimately got the clap. Whorebag.»

Cai


laughed nervously. She moved home, googled «the clap» and turned into convinced that she performed, undoubtedly have actually gonorrhea. She went, the very first time previously


(she ended up being 28),


to your queer-friendly neighbor hood gyno clinic.

They did not know very well what ended up being incorrect together.

They tried the girl for gonorrhea. They tested for syphilis, herpes, HPV, chlamydia, the really works. Nothing.

Cai


was in some discomfort. She required solutions. She have been placing the


‘pus’


in


«pussy»


for almost monthly today.

So that they provided the girl an ultrasound.

AND COULD YOU DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT FOUND.

Vaginal rips. All over the inside of her vag.

A significant load of tears.

Cai


have been torn to shreds. The woman insides had been holding in ribbons. Looked like crepe-paper birthday celebration accents inside.

And every thing – every finally inch – ended up being contaminated.

It could seem that when Katie made use of her fabulous long nails to give

Cai


a vigorous drunk-fuck, nobody realized that her nails had been also a festering breeding floor for



bacterial vaginosis

.

Superb.

Cai


claims to have-been a stone-cold very top from the time.

My personal companion wikipedia claims you will get nasty problems from dirty nails. Obviously, you’ll find occasionally staphylococcus germs hangin’ out, that may result in anything from skin boils to motherfucking meningitis.

And guess what more?

Pinworm eggs.

S’all I Am gonna say.

That sensible lesbian was spot-on together life lessons.

Never ever open a shared bank account along with your fan.

Never phony sexual climaxes.

And holy mummy of god, check out another secret’s nails before screwing.

Or perhaps you tend to be doomed to suffer the destiny of Cai.

THE CONCLUSION

I Must ask yourself, though…

Have of y’all ever obtained everything nasty from another girl’s hands?

Or heard about somebody who performed?

Or perhaps is this generally



(‘cept for Cai)



a lesbian metropolitan misconception?

My hands are inching to the travel-sized Purell container.

I wanted solutions.